Aug 2010 

Learning to Love Again After the Death of a Spouse
By Paula Hartman Cohen for Achieve Solutions
(interview with Aurora Winter)

Summary:

* Take your time grieving.
* Don’t rush into anything.
* Protect yourself and family, financially.

Any time we open our heart to another person, we take a risk; love is always risky. Yet, love and companionship are essential to a happy life, perhaps even more so after we have lost a loving partner.

Are you ready to give yourself permission to love again?

Timing is everything. You may have well-intentioned friends or family urging you to date, but you—and only you—will know when the time is right.

“Do what feels comfortable,” advises psychologist and social worker LeslieBeth Wish.

“Grief is an essential life skill,” explains Tina B. Tessina, a licensed psychologist and relationship counselor. Grieving will help you feel safe to take on another risk, and “actually expands one's capacity to love,” she says.

Healing a broken heart If you have not sought bereavement support, do that now. You may try to handle grief on your own, but expert guidance from your employee assistance program, hospice program or a support group can help you find your way through one of life’s most difficult passages.

“Fixing a broken heart is like fixing a flat tire,” says Aurora Winter, a widow and author of a book on bereavement. “You could change the tire yourself, but why not call a towing service? Some people don’t honor themselves enough to get the help they need.”

Dealing with guilt

Psychologists warn that you may experience some guilt as you learn to open your heart to someone new. Negative feelings should pass however, because—if you had a loving relationship—you’ll know your former partner would want you to be happy again.

Be realistic about your marriage

Cherish your memories, but try to be as realistic as you can about your marriage. Think about what it was, and what it was not. Every relationship has rough spots. Before you can move on, you need to come to terms with both the negative and positive aspects of your marriage.

“If you put that relationship on a pedestal—because that’s what happens in a memory—you make it very hard for a new person to live up to your expectations,” notes Robin Goodman, a clinical psychologist and art therapist. “It’s very difficult for a new person in your life to compete with a memory.”

Address first things first

Based on her own experience, Aurora Winter offers 3 tips for those who have lost partners:

1. Learn to express your feelings.

2. Try to accept your situation, as it is. Life and death are always unfair, but there’s little you can do about it. If you dwell on things you cannot control, you may have difficulty getting on with your life, says Winter.

3. Forgive everybody everything, including yourself.

If you can do at least one of the above, you may be ready for a new relationship, Winter says.

But, before you begin to socialize, take care of practical matters. For example, have your own will or estate plan updated, advises financial consultant Christine D. Moriarty. As much as you can, you want to rebuild your sense of strength and comfort.

Dating tips

Dating, at any age, can be scary and awkward, but it is even harder after a long marriage. Here are a few tips:

* Don’t look for love in places you wouldn’t want a mate to frequent. Expand your horizons. Take a class or join a club. Let your friends know you are open to a social life. Join groups linked to your hobbies, intellectual interests, religious beliefs, favorite sports or whatever else is important to you.

* Be patient. A widowed partner who comes from a mutually satisfying relationship tends to take longer to find love. That person knows what it takes to sustain fulfillment and growth, according to Wish.

* Take your time. Wish says a person who was not happy in his or her previous relationship tends to date and look for love more quickly.

* Get to know a person socially before you decide to spend time alone.

Avoid these dating traps

* Don't get too self-conscious. Don’t worry about your weight or your balding head. Just look your best, and then forget about it.

* Don’t share much private information unless you’re willing to give up control of your life. Don’t give out passwords or keys, for example.

* Don't be afraid of silence. Get to know each other in a relaxed way.

* Don’t assume your friend is dating you exclusively, unless you’ve agreed to an exclusive relationship.

* Don't make sex the objective of your dates. No need to put added pressure on either of you. If and when sex is right, it will happen, says Tessina.

* “Don’t make any decisions you can’t undo with ease,” suggests Moriarty.

* Don’t date beyond your budget. And, don’t lend any money to someone you’re dating, Wish says. Never tie yourself to someone financially until you’re ready to commit. If you think you are ready, get to know that person financially. Observe how he or she spends or saves money.

Parents who date

Widowed parents have additional considerations. Here are a few:

* Know that you have your needs and your children have their own. Tell your children you will never interfere with their memory of the deceased parent.

* Don’t bring someone home to meet your children until you are ready to commit. Let them get accustomed to the idea of you having a relationship, out of their sight and space.

* Any new companion must learn how to integrate into your family and adjust to the situation. Don’t expect that adjustment to happen overnight.

* Children, especially grown ones, might have difficulty “changing emotional gears,” according to Wish. Give them time.

* Take care of your children’s financial needs. Wills and trusts should be set up before you’re in a new relationship so you can lay it out without added emotional stress.

Brie Gatchalian is a freelance writer based in Montclair, NJ. When she's not writing about fashion and beauty, she researches topics related to relationships and mulls over her own love life. She'll be the first to admit she doesn't have her heart completely figured out (yet). Stand by.

Aurora Winter is founder of www.GriefCoachAcademy.com and author of “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “I read every page of this beautiful diary—it touched my heart and I know it will impact yours.”

Read Aurora’s book for FREE. Visit: www.FromHeartbreaktoHappiness.com,

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