There are times when how you respond in the next few seconds will determine the course of a relationship forever. Moments of opportunity where you can make a friend for life—or lose one. With these key moments, there are no second chances.

If you know what to say, a stranger can become a friend. Your elevator speech with the TV News anchor can translate into a TV interview. Your boss can become your biggest fan. The lifetime value of knowing what to say in these key moments is enormous.

The key moments I’m talking about are those conversation-stoppers when someone unexpectedly reveals a tragedy. A stranger reveals that his wife just left him. The TV news anchor has cancer. Your boss gets the news that his son died.

However you respond, your words will be remembered. Handled correctly, you’ll make a friend for life. Bungled, you’ll never be trusted. 

I know this from personal experience. When my 33-year-old husband died suddenly, many well-educated people became completely tongue-tied. Others inadvertently said devastating things. A few—a very few—knew what to say.

Did you know that within 48 hours of an emotional blow, most people hear 100 common responses? Of these responses, only 19 are helpful. The majority of comments are unhelpful—or downright harmful.

Whether the situation is divorce, death, or disease, here are the 7 most common mistakes—and how to avoid them.

1. DON’T FIX

So many people immediately go into problem-solving mode. Don’t fix--just be present.
For instance, you should not tell someone dealing with death or divorce, “You’re young—you can find another husband.”  People told me this at my husband’s funeral! If I had found another husband without first healing my broken heart, that relationship would have been doomed. (When I healed, I found another wonderful man to marry.)

2. DON’T COMPARE

If someone shares that they have ovarian cancer, you should not launch into a story about your Aunt Mabel’s late husband’s experience with skin cancer. The only exception is if you have had ovarian cancer. Even then, you should primarily listen.

3. DON’T ASSUME

Don’t say, “I know how you feel.” Assuming you know how the other person feels shuts down authentic communication. Invite sharing by saying, “I can’t imagine how you feel.”

4. DON’T INTERROGATE

While it’s fine to ask simple, direct questions about facts, avoid asking direct questions about feelings. For instance, ask, “What happened?” or “What did the doctor say?” or “How can I help?” Encourage the other person to share, follow their lead, and don’t interrogate.

5. DON’T BE INAUTHENTIC

For example, avoid “I’m sorry” unless you’re apologizing. So often, “I’m sorry” is an automatic response. When you communicate authentically, you create a safe space so the other person can be genuine. For instance, it’s fine to say, “I don’t know what to say” if that is what you’re experiencing. Be yourself. Be real.

6. DON’T MAXIMIZE

You should not increase the size of the problem. For instance, some people told my 4-year-old son, “You’re the man of the house now. You need to look after your mother.” Can you imagine the crushing weight of responsibility this put on a boy still reeling from his father’s death? Don’t bring up additional problems.

7. DON’T MINIMIZE

You should never trivialize someone’s feelings or situation. You should not say, “It just takes time.” People suffer needlessly for decades because they believe this myth. If your car got a flat tire, would you wait, hoping that it would re-inflate by itself? No! You’d call AAA. It’s the same with a broken heart. Appropriate action will bring relief, healing, and peace of mind. Encourage people to get the support they need to accelerate their journey from heartbreak to happiness.

By avoiding these 7 common mistakes, you’ll be able to respond effectively in even the most challenging situations, averting disaster and making life-long friends. Listen without fixing, acknowledge the situation, and give hope. You’ll never be at a loss for words again!

Aurora Winter is founder of www.GriefCoachAcademy.com and author of “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “I read every page of this beautiful diary—it touched my heart and I know it will impact yours.”

Read Aurora’s book for FREE. Visit: www.FromHeartbreaktoHappiness.com,

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