Jan/Feb 2008

Why do some people bounce back after life delivers a nasty blow, while others suffer for years? How can some people emerge better and brighter, while others are crushed and shattered? What is the secret? And how can you apply this secret to your own life, so you can more gracefully and easily overcome the inevitable heartbreak that life brings from time to time? 

Answering these questions has become my passion. Initially, I was trying to find the answers for my own personal reasons.

When I was 31, I was living a life many would envy. I had married my college sweetheart and best friend. With a $2,500 loan from our parents, my husband and I built a successful multi-million dollar business. My husband was building our dream house on a lake. I was enthusiastically pursuing my dream of being a screenwriter, and had been hired to write a script, thanks to a chance encounter with Mel Gibson, Goldie Hawn, and John Badham (the director of Stakeout). Our 4-year-old son was healthy and adorable. Life was good.

And then — wham! — my husband died suddenly at the age of 33. I was devastated. The life I had known was shattered.

I had no idea how to pick up the pieces. I tried everything. I tried therapy. I tried alcohol. I tried meditation. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. But until I stumbled across the recipe to go from heartbreak to happiness, I couldn’t quite seem to pull my life together again.

After I discovered the recipe and implemented it in my own life, everything came together again. Once again, I live a life many would envy. I’m a published author. My book has been endorsed by my hero, Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have a rewarding life helping others, and founded the Grief Coach Academy to train others to do the same. My life is interesting, abundant, and filled with joy, love, and meaning.

Time and time again, this recipe for healing heartbreak has helped my clients heal quickly and easily. I teach the From Heartbreak To Happiness™ system to the coaches I train, and share it at events. (If you would like to learn more, please come to my free monthly teleseminars.)

The first key to overcoming heartbreak is not to believe the following four devastating myths. These myths prolong heartbreak.

1) IT JUST TAKES TIME
So many well-meaning people told me “It just takes time,” after my husband died. And I believed them. So I waited. And waited. And waited.

If you’re waiting for time alone to heal you, you’ll have to wait a very, very long time. Time Magazine reported on January 17, 2005 that people typically take 5-8 years to return to their prior sense of happiness and well-being after a devastating loss, such as the loss of a spouse, a child, or a career.

Healing a broken heart is a lot like healing a broken arm. If you take decisive action, it will heal faster and better. If you take no action, it will heal slowly and poorly. And it will be much more vulnerable to breaking again.

My clients take decisive action by choosing to work through their heartbreak. Typically, they return to their prior state of happiness and well-being within a matter of months — not the 5-8 years experienced by the general population. Sometimes they achieve results even faster. One young widow shared that in just one session, she released more grief than the prior 6 months when she had been seeing a therapist — and she loved that therapist!

2) MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT
When time alone does not heal, people frequently blame themselves. They believe their situation is different.

Innocent people blame themselves for their loved one’s death, or for their divorce, miscarriage, or job loss. People crucify themselves with painful thoughts that bring guilt and shame. What most people don’t realize is that these painful thoughts are not unique to them or unique to their situation.

Old, young, male, female, straight, gay, people have painful thoughts, and need a safe process to express, and then release them. Lacking this safe process, many people withdraw. Isolation makes things worse.

Healing a broken heart is very much like pulling on a pair of pants. While you may have beige silk slacks and I may have blue jeans, the process of getting dressed is very much the same. You pull on one leg, then the other. Zip up and button up.

In the same way, the process of healing a broken heart is very much the same no matter what the specific situation is. The process of healing is universal.

The truth is that most people just don’t know how to heal a broken heart. It is not their fault. No one has taught them what to do.

3) I NEED A THERAPIST
Next, many people believe they need a therapist. I think therapists are great. If you have mental illness, chemical dependency, chronic depression, a personality disorder, or biochemical problems, seeing a therapist is an excellent idea.

But if you are a normal person just like me, you don’t need a therapist. Heartbreak is not mental illness. Heartbreak is a normal and natural reaction to loss.

You need two things: ongoing support and a process to heal. Unfortunately, many “grief support” groups are just that. They support grief. It is essential to have an action plan and process to heal, so that your happiness is supported.

4) I NEED TO DO THIS ALONE
This popular myth keeps millions of otherwise-intelligent people stuck.

Tiger Woods is at the top of his game. Yet he invests in the services of seven coaches because he can’t see his own blind spots. No one can.

Do you feel ashamed that you buy food from a grocery store, rather than grow (and slaughter) your food all by yourself? You probably could grow all your food by yourself … but why would you? Haven’t you got other things you would rather do?

Do you feel ashamed if you have a flat tire and call AAA? You probably could change the tire …but isn’t it wonderful that a specialist can take care of that task for you? (And you can keep those beige silk slacks clean.)

If you find yourself in the middle of a lawsuit, do you represent yourself — or ask your friends to represent you? Or do you consult a good lawyer?

I think your happiness is more important than golf, groceries, flat tires, or lawsuits. Ask for support. Hire a coach. Attend a retreat. Find a mentor. Make a commitment to have a weekly call with an “accountability buddy.”

Having ongoing support is the most powerful way to go from heartbreak to happiness quickly and easily.

In summary, four myths keep people miserable. If you’re dealing with any kind of heartbreak, whether from death, divorce, or another loss, don’t believe these four myths:
1) It Just Takes Time
2) My Situation Is Different
3) I Need A Therapist
4) I Need To Do This Alone

Instead, take the appropriate action to heal. You are worth it.

Aurora Winter is founder of The Peace Method™ and From Heartbreak To Happiness™. She is a coach, speaker, and author of: “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “I read every page of this beautiful diary—it touched my heart and I know it will impact yours.”

Read Aurora’s book for FREE. Visit: www.AuroraWinter.com, to inquire about coach training, coaching, or events, call (866) 344-3108.

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