It’s over. He was the love of your life. He was a scoundrel!

If you’re like most people, at the end of a relationship your mind chatter goes into hyper-drive, analyzing, condemning, chastising, yearning, fantasizing…over and over and over again.

Just like someone whose tooth has been pulled, you can’t seem to help it—you keep digging your tongue into the raw wound. And it hurts!

In spite of the enormous energy being expended upon your “relationship review”, you aren’t getting anywhere. It’s as if your car is stuck in the sand. The more gas you give it, the faster the tires spin…and the deeper the hole you dig.

It’s normal and natural to review a relationship when it ends. Done properly, a relationship review will bring you freedom, peace, and happiness. It heals the past and surprisingly can even help couples reconcile. It will open your heart to love again.

But you have to know how to do a relationship review, or you’ll just be digging yourself a deeper emotional hole.

Regardless of whether your relationship ended through divorce, death, or a breakup, regardless of whether you think your significant other was your soul mate or Satan, here is what you need to do to gain your own freedom.

1. Review the entire relationship, from the day you met until today. Most people go over and over the last few days or months, and in doing so, they completely lose perspective. By their very nature, endings are sour. By looking at the entire relationship, you’ll gain a more balanced view. Every relationship contains both sweet and sour.
    
2. Do a relationship graph. Take a piece of paper, and draw a horizontal line in the middle of it. The beginning is the day that you met, and the end is today. Now, mark all the significant emotional events in vertical lines. A positive event would be above the line, and a negative event would be below the line. Some events may contain both. You must find at least 3 positive events and at least 3 negative events. No exceptions. These events are like a plank that you’re going to stick under the tire of a car that is stuck in the sand. They’ll give you traction. They’ll give you freedom.
    
3. Each of these events is something that you could: apologize for (“A”), or forgive (“F”), or give thanks for  (“T”).  Mark each event with an A, F, or T. 
    
4. Write a letter reviewing your relationship. In this letter, your job is to tell the absolute, unflinching truth. Admit your own shortcomings and errors. Even if you believe that your partner was 98% responsible for all the problems and you were only 2% responsible, find that 2%. It’s your ticket to freedom. Write the letter as if you were writing it to your partner. Caution! Do NOT give this letter to your partner.
    
5. Apologize, Forgive, Give Thanks. In your private letter, tell the story of your relationship. After each event, write “…and I forgive you” or “…and I apologize” or “…and I thank you for that.” These concluding statements bring closure and peace to each emotionally-charged event. Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the behavior. It simply means that you release the past. You let it go…and it lets go of you.
    
6. Read your letter to a witness. This final step makes your work 100x more effective. Find a safe person who is not involved who will keep your letter confidential. Tell that person that you simply want them to listen with compassion. They should not comment, judge, fix or respond in any other way. After you have finished reading the entire letter, they can give you a hug, if you’d like one. That is it.

Aurora Winter is founder of www.GriefCoachAcademy.com and author of “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “I read every page of this beautiful diary—it touched my heart and I know it will impact yours.”

Read Aurora’s book for FREE. Visit: www.FromHeartbreaktoHappiness.com,

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